Okay, new year, new habits, right?

Saturday's ride: not so good. He came out tight and less than enthused. We had no bend to speak of and I couldn't keep him consistently in the bridle. Winter blahs all around, and I got a little peeved at him and his impression of a brick wall. Kept him going longer than I should have - forward was for once not really an issue, but any kind of suppleness was. He was breathing pretty hard when we finished, and took quite some time to walk out. On the one hand: definitely too long. On the other hand: building wind and valuable lessons about who decides when and how we work. Still, I would've liked to learn those lessons in a session that was actually productive.

Today, we just went out for a hack, which turned out to be a great decision. (I'm trying hard to fix, or really upgrade, my decision making on horseback.) He was tight and sore for the first 10 minutes or so, and then started swinging and reaching. I rode in jump tack, and just kept the lightest of possible touches on his mouth, asking him to soften his jaw occasionally, bend a bit for me, move away from a leg here and there. We had a couple of very short trots on the trails asking him to stretch, which he did beautifully, and then some VERY nice circles in the back field, reaching for the bit and springing through from behind.

It figures too that after such an angsty post as my last one, today at the Flatlands party I was awarded most improved boarder. :) T. said that the progress we have made as a horse/rider pair was fantastic, and that you wouldn't recognize Tris and me now if you put us beside our work of a year ago. So that was a really nice ego boost!

I am struggling a little bit with mom guilt.

Intellectually, I can look at it like this: I was running on fumes at the end of the fall semester. The last three weeks have been a welcome recharge of my batteries, with time to have dinner with friends, indulge in a bit of television watching, crochet more than I have in months, and generally accomplish things without feeling a sword blade at the back of my neck. I am comfortable in my budget and write off his expenses without a second thought as long as I economize like crazy in the rest of my life - which I'm used to.

He's going better than he ever has before, he's happy and relaxed and well cared-for. He will be those last things regardless of how often he sees me.

Emotionally: I am riding three days a week max, and feeling like I'm letting my horse down. I'm guilty about the money I spend on him, which I could be saving for a mortgage, or using to finish grad school with no debt. I feel that to justify that money and to do right by him I should see him more often, should put more into making our dressage better. There are many dedicated, accomplished riders in my life that I admire tremendously, and though I can on one level acknowledge that I have many other responsibilities in my life and cannot make my riding and Tristan's improvement as a riding horse my priority - I still think I ought to do better. I am a competitive and driven person. It's in my nature to always think I can do better.

This, too, shall pass, but a strong wave of it was just triggered by making the decision to meet my undergrad advisor - one of my favorite people in the whole world, who I haven't seen for over a year - for coffee tonight instead of heading down to ride.

I wish...many things. I wish the barn were closer and I could make a trip to ride in 2 hours instead of 5. I wish I were in Vermont where I could spend less money on him - I wish I were at the place in my life where I could keep him in backyard.

Anyway. Here's to 2011. I'm going to try to post more about our rides, in the hopes of making the time that we have resonate more.

I'm stuck on one of those horrible plateaus. I'm pretty sure this one's for good.

I'm not fit enough to do the things I want. I flop around like a dead fish in the saddle, ineffective bordering on interfering, and I am so stressed in every area of my life that my go-to response has been to ramp up with Tris. Escalation is no one's friend, and it just leads to me behaving poorly as a rider, and Tris tuning me out. Last night's lesson was the closest I've come to breaking down and crying right there in the saddle that I've ever come. I don't have time to go to the gym. I've started trying to do push-ups and sit-ups and stretches at home at night, and the number I can effectively accomplish is so pathetically small I can't even say it out loud.

I can't get down to the barn enough to really move forward. I just can't. If I went as often as I'd like a) I'd get fired, b) I'd flunk out of grad school and then c) what little social life I have would unravel entirely, not to mention Matt would probably get while the getting's good. Also, I'd be broke. I'm just barely keeping my head above water paying for gas for 4 trips or so a week, and carpooling with Hannah has been a huge help, but I am a bad enough rider that 4 trips a week isn't getting me anywhere.

I know that one of the cardinal rules of horses is not to compare yourself to others, but I can't help it. I get dangerously close to blaming my horse because - I love him more than life itself, more than anything, but he does not make this easy. He's difficult and not inclined to cooperate, and of course I can't blame him a bit, but it's hard when you're as selfish and petty as I am and day in and day out watch everyone else get their relaxed and through horses on the bit and Tris won't take the outside rein again. Some more. For years and years on top of years.

I'm juggling every.single.penny. to try to afford a dressage saddle this winter (and trailer repairs in the spring, and US Rider renewal, and supplements, and vet bills, and maybe some extra jumping lessons). I've convinced myself a dressage saddle will help. Deep down, I know it won't, because I'm not having saddle problems; I'm having basic lack-of-skills problems. It's not a magic fix, and it's probably not even a mundane fix.

In short: Dear Tristan, I'm sorry for breaking the #1 rule of horses and losing my temper. You deserve a better mom.

Two things.

First, last night, we had a super lesson. Stepping it up another notch.

Afterward, R. was watching Tris mug for treats from over his stall guard and said "You looked fantastic. Tris was hugely overstepping, and his back was swinging, and I looked at his face and he was all, I DON'T THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA. AT ALL." That's my pony.

Second, I'm very happy with my cheapo ice bandages: a multiple-cell flexible ice sheet from Kmart ($2.49 each), stuck to his legs with polo wraps. His fetlocks especially have been just a bit puffy all summer. Only occasionally heat, and he's not off, not sensitive, none of it, but...y'know if 10 extra minutes after tougher work tightens his legs up again, I'll do it. So far I've just done front but I'm going to pick up some more ice sheets and do his hind legs too, or at least have the capacity to do so after jumping especially.

Until now I've been using a half set of some sedate burgundy polos to wrap him. I have white and black polos already, but I am tempted to buy him a new set for wrapping.

The real question is...snakeskin or pink camo?

(It goes without saying that more suggestions for colorful polo wraps would be much appreciated!)

It's been a while, so I figured I should get back into things with two fantastic lessons in a row.


I've been working really, really hard the last few weeks to get my legs back and deeper. It's finally starting to pay off - it's starting to feel like a normal place for them to be instead of a painful stretch. The reward is that they're much more solid and effective, and that I can really access Tristan's hind end now, especially that sticky right hind.

In turn, he's never been better. His canter is really starting to have lift and spring to it, and he's flirting with really truly coming over his back in it. He's reaching for the bit, and his trot is just getting superb. He's developed a whole new level of confidence - if you'd asked me six months ago I would've said he was already a supremely confident horse. But I didn't take into account a certain kind of body awareness and confidence in his physical ability to handle the work - before, he was struggling with his own musculature and confirmed way of going, and now that we've eroded so much of that and replaced it with solid, good muscle and stretch and bend, he's starting to enjoy his own body in a way that's really neat to feel. He's still Tristan - he still gets snarky and snotty most of the time when I ask for new things - but that resistance is such a small fraction of what it used to be, and he comes out the other side much more willing to work with me.

So from last night's ride: once again, some lateral work in hand, then a 10+ minute march, march, march in the walk warmup, then collect it together for maybe 5 minutes, then into a loose trot. I really need to stop making excuses for not doing that every time. He goes SO much better and more forward than when I ask for more work earlier. 3/4 of the way through the warmup T. stopped us and said that he really, really liked about 99% of what we were doing with the warmup - we just needed a hair more tempo. I have to balance his tempo carefully in the warmup - too much and he'll happily run around like a lead weight in my hands, too little and he'll happily be all slinky with no actual push. So T. got us to just the right metronome click for his trot, which was indeed only a fraction more than what we'd been doing.

Lots and lots of lateral work in general in the actual ride. I'm flirting more and more with a proper shoulder-in. I can get the angle, and for maybe half-step I can really get the push from his hind end, but I can't sustain it, can't keep him steady in the angle when he adds in that push. We're getting closer and closer, though, and as I get more mobility in my lower leg I'll be better able still to keep the push and the angle corralled together. Lots of leg yield, too, which he is really nailing. He just needs to be kept up in his tempo through that, too - when he is he is just wonderful; when he isn't he chooses the easy way out and zips through his shoulder straight to the wall.

Not much fancy, but just a lot of good, correct work, at the end of which T. was effusive (!) in his praise, saying that my hard work on my legs had clearly paid off, that we had taken it to a whole new level, and he was thrilled with our progress. :D


I have the week off and had asked for an extra lesson, if possible a XC school, and J. obliged by putting me in a noon lesson today. I started off nervous - it was extremely hot, I was running a bit late due to unexpected construction traffic, and the other horse in the ring was a big leggy beautiful Thoroughbred, impeccably turned out, rider ditto. (I found out later they're from the Vineyard, which...made retroactive sense.)

It didn't help that Tris was sluggish to start, wouldn't walk on, and then when I asked for the canter, got hoppy - I'm sure he was a bit sore from last night. I pushed him through into a long rein canter around the ring, got off his back, then brought him back and started over. I didn't get him to a *great* place, but I felt at least a teensy bit more confident at the end.

I completely ate the warmup 18" crossrail, twice, until T. got on me about my leg, and we cantered it, and Tris fiiiiinally woke up. "Oh! We're jumping! Okay, I'll go forward for that." We only did 2-3 courses, enough to get jumping on the brain. I did the same courses as the other woman, who is I would bet running around Novice, which was...intimidating, but a nice vote of confidence. Tris was awesome, of course, even when I saw a long distance, he disagreed and took *me* to the base, and then I gulped, planted my hands on his neck, and leaned like crazy. He propped us both up and over, and I got a lecture about not counting on my horse to save me.

Then, out to the back XC fields. A bit of a run around to warm up, and bless my horse, he was completely unconcerned about the loud mower going in the next field. We played around with some small courses. Tris was, of course, a super star. I ate a few fences, one in the same way I did in the ring (got it on my second try later) and...well...no excuse for the other two.

Tris popped right over the ditch, so our next "just to check in" was to "go play on the banks." Okay. I decided (somehow? why?) to canter off the medium sized one to start off with. My little mustang went "WHOOOOOOOOO," launched into mid-air, and landed bucking to kingdom come. I started laughing too hard to pull him up for 2-3 strides, till Tom yelled "GET. HIS. HEAD. UP." and then I was sent back to walk down the bank many times to think about what I'd done. Tris stepped off quietly and beautifully, of course. Sigh. Then up a couple of times, and then we were allowed to trot down. Good pony. Idiot rider.

My crowning moment, though, was on my last run. I was not doing especially well with the heat, and had been drinking water, but was still getting pins-and-needles in my face and a bit wobbly in my legs and arms. I began to feel better just as T. called out our last run, and - I bucked up and went for it. Sent Tris down the long side in a nice gallop - he was tired, too, and getting a little strong - over the gate, then up and around to the coop. And, okay, first the coop had been tweaking me all day - it is very straight, and decently sized (to my eye anyway) and obviously it jumped fine but every time we approached it all I could think was "big!" and I'd had some wobbly moments with it earlier.

My course was coop to down bank, and the bank was on a slight offset angle from the coop, and in my head as I made the turn I was thinking "stay on the left side of the coop, that'll make it easier to take a straight line to the drop," and somehow on the rollback from the gate that turned into a line that was...to the left of the fence. Tristan galloped past quite cheerfully, then turned quite cheerfully, and then I damn well went over the middle of the fence the next time. (Cheerfully, of course...)

We nailed the rest of the fences, including one that I didn't realize was on the skinny side until I approached it - a sort of garden stand series of steps. He didn't blink at anything, no matter how airy or how reflective or even for that matter, the ditch. The steps were set at the bottom of a fair hill, and he started rushing it a bit, tired again, and not wanting to bring his hocks up downhil, and I stood up slightly, and wow, it was so easy to reach down and half halt through my core, then sweet as you please get back into position, hold him with my hands and bring him up with my leg. It was like some kind of karmic payback for the stupid decisions I'd made earlier: all of a sudden I was making exactly the right decisions, in the 5 seconds or so before the fence, on pure instinct, and my God, he nailed that fence.

In conclusion: best horse ever.